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Computer-generated map of Pluto from Hubble Space Telescope images (Wikipedia)

I really wanted to keep my mouth shut on this blog. I didn’t want to get into any flame wars or controversies. I didn’t want to be mean or nasty. But I just can’t hold back any longer.

You suck, Pluto.

I recently got caught up on the debate centering on the demotion of Pluto from a planet to a “dwarf planet.” I completely agree with the demotion — except for the ridiculous term “dwarf planet,” which I’ll deal with later.

Of course you’re not a planet, Pluto. I never liked you from the beginning. First of all, we can never get a decent picture of you. You’ve always been a fuzzy white dot. Even the Hubble Space Telescope can’t get a shot of you. Hubble can take pictures of infant galaxies at the edge of the universe, staring 13 billion years into the past, and it can’t even snap a pic of you.

The fact that your orbit periodically comes within that of Neptune, so that Neptune is the outermost planet, not you, proves that you’re just a wonky, fly-by-night pretender. And the fact that you travel way over the plane of the ecliptic just seals the deal. You’re a poser, Pluto. No decent planet worth the name would behave the way you do. You’re actually a comet, in my opinion.

This Tuesday, PBS will broadcast the “Nova” episode “The Pluto Files,” hosted by astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson and based on his book of the same name. I haven’t seen the episode yet and am looking forward to it (Tyson is a great advocate for science and an entertaining presenter), but the facts are out there anyway. Tyson had a hand in your reclassification, Pluto, and bravo.

The region of the solar system called the Kuiper Belt was discovered in 1992. It’s full of celestial objects left over from the formation of the solar system. In 2005 an object larger than you, Pluto, was discovered within it, sparking controversy about whether you were actually a planet.

On August 24, 2006, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) defined the term “planet” for the first time. This definition excluded you as a planet and added you as a member of the new category “dwarf planet.” Then in June 2008 the IAU put out a press release declaring the term “plutoid” as the “name for transneptunion dwarf planets similar to Pluto.” Some scientists continue to assert that you should be classified as a planet.

“Dwarf planet” still makes you a planet, so go ahead and be smug, Pluto, but you don’t fool me. I would have been happy with the term “planetoid” or something else that implied “planet-like.” “Plutoid” is just a play on your name. “Dwarf planet” is a cop out, which is what you wanted all along, since it matches your misfit, pretentious delusions.

You were always iffy to me, Pluto. No one was ever actually sure about you. I feel totally vindicated now that you’ve been demoted. You’ve always been a mealy-mouthed, bipolar, weaselly, lying ball of … ice.

What’s my standard for something being called a planet in our solar system? If Gustav Holst didn’t write a song about you, you’re not a planet. And he didn’t. It doesn’t matter that you hadn’t been discovered yet when he composed The Planets. No one cares that you recently celebrated the anniversary of your discovery in 1930 on Feb. 18.

If Holst had known about you, he still wouldn’t have written a song about you — perhaps because you happen to suck. You’re one-fifth the mass of the Earth’s moon. I say if you’re not near enough or big enough to be detected by a telescope of moderate technological competence from a hundred years ago, you’re not a planet.

Furthermore, what good could possibly come from naming a planet after the god of the underworld? Everything about you is just asking for trouble.

I don’t blame people for wanting to defend you. I actually think it’s great, so that the public can learn more about space science. No, I don’t blame them; I blame you, Pluto. This is all your fault.

You suck, Pluto. I never imagined I’d hate a celestial body as much as I do you.

P.S.

This has nothing to do with the dog Pluto. I like the Disney character and wish I had permission to reproduce here the charming photo of Dr. Tyson showing the sky to Pluto found on the “The Pluto Files” description page.

But I still hate you, dwarf planet Pluto. That will never change.

(signed)

The Tower Attendant